If my body were a car, I would be trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps, dents and scratches and my paint job is getting dull.
My fenders are too wide to be stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother's old Buick.
My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.
Seat belts? Not since Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood.
Air bags? Do you mean those under my eyes, or my saddlebags?
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer being many places and seeing many things.
My headlights are out of focus, especially when things are up close.
My reaction is not as graceful as it once was and I slip, slide, skid and bump into things.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
But the worst of it is that almost every time I sneeze or cough, my radiator leaks.
Ron Watts 03/17/05
My Favorite Things
Julie Andrews' modified lyrics to commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1 at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
03/17/05
Poking Fun at Ourselves
I've sure gotten old! I've had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy and winded. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my feet anymore. I can't remember my age but thank God, I still have my driver's license!
* * * * *
A 97-year-old man tells his doctor that he wants his "sex drive lowered."
The doctor reacted, "Sir, you're 97! Your sex drive is all in your head!"
"You're darn right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
03/17/05
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm...or could he?
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled SOB asked, "What did you teach?"
Martin South 03/23/05
Be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
From Sharon (Ulm) Dewey
GAMES FOR OLDER ADULTS:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to
go along.
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND:
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!
04/25/05
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really?! Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
06/12/05
Jacob asks the man behind the counter if he is the owner. The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation, rheumatism, arthritis and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Good, we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
07/29/05
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, live in Florida and are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they go into a drugstore.
A New Wine
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigo wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.
Martin South 08/11/05
Perks of Being Over 65
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Ted Brekke 08/19/05
An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is a somewhat younger lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Sam Crilly 08/25/05
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What does one call those who enjoy work and refuse to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the attic or garage?
A. So one of their adult kids will not want to store stuff there.
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage for retirees going back to school?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Ron Watts 10/03/05
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he said to his son, "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
-----------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
---------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
01/31/06
"I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
Anonymous 02/02/06
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
*********
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
*********
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
*********
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
*********
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
04/20/06
Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "How old would you be if you let go?"
Sam Crilly, 04/25/06
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an older lady sobbing on a park bench. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a young husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Martin South, 04/28/06
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.
One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing! She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."
Cora (Working) Lambach, 05/22/06
As my wife and I are approaching our 69th and 68th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day, so we could travel together. After my examination, the doctor said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," I said. "After I am first intimate with my wife, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining his wife and finding her in good health, the doctor asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after being intimate the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that old so and so!" she replied. "That's because, the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."
Cora (Working) Lambach, from Isabel (Bushini) Reed, 06/19/06
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second patient sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, waits 18 weeks to see a specialist who x-rays the hip, which isn't read for another week. Finally, surgery is scheduled for a year later..
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
Cora (Working) Lambach, from Isabel (Bushini) Reed, 07/11/06
CREATION
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring. Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years?! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back...that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."*
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone."
Ed Dreyer, 07/11/06
Sam Crilly, 08/05/06
An elderly husband and wife were both having problems remembering things, so they decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair to go to the kitchen. His wife asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream--I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
Ron Watts, 09/02/06
Ed Dreyer sent in this quick survey of the wheels that we use during our lives.
Most of us are probably in the #6 or #7 category at this point.
Ed, however, is proud of his new scooter because it is so economical, powered partly by natural gas.
12/22/06
From Kay (Donovan) Marine 01/25/07
Desperate Housewife
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single!"
Cora (Working) Lambach ,02/08/07
Maxine
From Sam Crilly, 03/18/07
Reunion Celebration
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife noticed and asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand that she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and hasn't been sober since."
"Oh my!" exclaimed my wife, "Who would think that one could go on celebrating that long!"
Ed Noice, 04/11/07
Recent Changes to Songs We Used to Sing
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba --- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
Ted Brekke, 08/15/07
SENIORS' DRESS CODE
For those older people who are trying to be or look younger, the following combinations are going too far.
1. A nose ring with bifocals
2. Spiked hair with bald spots
3. A pierced tongue with dentures
4. Miniskirts with support hose
5. Ankle bracelets with corn pads
6. Speedos with cellulite
7. A belly button ring with a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts with a heart monitor
9. Midriff tops with a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis with liver spots
11. Short-shorts with varicose veins
12. In-line skates with a walker
13. Thongs with Depends
Cora (Working) Lambach, 08/21/07
The Four Stages of Life
Ed Dreyer, 09/17/09
Cora (Working) Lambach, 10/08/07
Maxine
Q: Where can seniors find young members of the opposite sex who are sexually interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction
Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Why should seniors use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for seniors to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do seniors look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What do seniors say when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
From Jean (White) Roberts, 11/22/07
Mike Brown, 12/25/07
03/08/08
Ed Dreyer, 04/01/08
THE NEW ALPHABET
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
that used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
but let's be more realistic instead.
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure, not very low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, creaky sockets won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido. What happened to sex?
M is for memory, now what comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that won't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill to make me new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there're bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W's for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have...in mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!
May your troubles be less, your blessings more and
nothing but happiness comes through your door.
SENIOR BUMPER STICKERS
I'm retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today.
When I was young all I cared about was a BMW. Now I don't care about the W.
Cremation---Think outside the box.
I was always taught to respect my elders. Now I don't have anyone to respect.
09/11/08
SUCCESS IS...
Age 4 . . . . not piddling in your pants
Age 12 . . . having friends
Age 17 . . . having a driver's license
Age 35 . . . having money
Age 50 . . . having money
Age 70 . . . having a drivers license
Age 75 . . . having friends
Age 80 . . . not piddling in your pants
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) You fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're there.
4) You get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) You know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
1. Sag, you're It.
